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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Inspirational Thoughts

Recently, i was reading an old friend's blog when i came across this blog that she follows. It looked interesting so i read a bit. and a bit more. and alot more. the lady who writes this blog has a powerful testimony. i can't even list one of her posts that is ESPECIALLY inspirational because everything i've read is exceptionally inspirational. all i can say is i am grateful for people like her in this world who inspire others to be better and LIVE better.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Cynic

i find myself having many inward thoughts about many subjects, some of which are people and things they do and say, and i tell myself i'm a cynic. then i wondered "what the heck is a cynic?" so i looked up the definition.

1. a person who believes all people are motivated by selfishness
2.a person whose outlook is scornfully and often habitually negative
3. someone who is critical of the motives of others

basically, consistent negativism (is that a word?) and distrust of other people and their motives, actions, what they say, ect. make up a cynic or cynical person. i guess a person could be cynical overall or maybe there are levels, such as people have been heard saying they are a "love cynic".

alright then i can call myself a cynic and when people who know me think, "oh that's crap" well there's the definition right there to prove it. except the people who know me aren't in my head. watch out world. you have no idea what i'm thinking and saying about you when no one's listening. literally. well, one person listens. so i will be judged for all these things in the hereafter, but some things just really irk me. some things people say and do, mostly the gooey, perfect stuff they say and do irks me to no end!

admittedly, i am more cynical around "that time of month" which could be why my thoughts are getting to me today and maybe that's too much FYI however no one reads this anyways right? well let me give credit to the one or two who do but how's that for a run-on sentence and cynicism?

i find myself having these conversations in my head with imaginary people who i can actually bounce my thoughts off of in a discussion where what i say wouldn't be judged and i wouldn't judge the rest for what they say in response but i would like to know what they think about the topic even if we don't agree because i just want to have an amiable conversation about even the most controversial or trivial issues... and where everyone was actually interested in what the others had to say no matter what the topic. i'm practicing run-on sentences today.

maybe the bottom line is that i am lonely. lonely for someone to be interested in my thoughts no matter how positive or how negative. lonely for someone to just LISTEN because they want to without sighing or rolling their eyes or getting hurt feelings because i just need to spout off what i THINK. my thoughts aren't always right or righteous or educated or funny or interesting; they're just thoughts that i want to share.

now for the rest of the story...i wrote this to keep from saying thoughts that i would regret so i could get some agnst off my chest and i'll go back and read this in week and be terribly disgusted with myself but...

ok there are no excuses but...

i'm sure people feel cynical about me because what goes around comes around. i wouldn't trust me either. doesn't oprah have something she says like "the energy you put out is what is drawn back to you" or something?

logically, i can see that my thinking may be flawed and that i have some work to do. here it is like it or not. cynism is the word for the day.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Motherhood

Endless and exhausting.enough said.